If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
