I just pynch a tree in the face
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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