You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
