She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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