I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
