I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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