hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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