Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize