I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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