Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
