I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
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