I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
