two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
