You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
