im six kinds of drunk right now
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
