I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
