what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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