Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
