I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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