I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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