He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
