Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I would ride that face into the sunset
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
