I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
