I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
