i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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