i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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