Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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