I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
