the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
