I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
