I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Let's get the cat blown out
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
