every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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