Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I would fuck him just for his dog
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
