I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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