So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
