yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
