One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
