Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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