so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
