it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
