Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
