Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Vodka?
Forever.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
