I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize