wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize