I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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