John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
