he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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