My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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