We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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