ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
