so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
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