halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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