and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
