fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I touched a dick in church today
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