life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
