You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
